How to Conduct Yourself at a Funeral

Last week a co-worker of mine passed away. As I visited the family and attended the services, I couldn’t help but take note of the actions of others in attendance and how differently people conduct themselves in today’s world in regard to paying respects. Unfortunately, I’ve attended more funerals than I care to count since I was a kid, and thinking back on all of those services, I notice stark differences in the way people conduct themselves on these solemn occasions today versus then. I feel like the world has lost its way when it comes to properly paying their respects, so I want to share some tips with the next gen of men so you know how to do it properly.

- Mick

How to handle yourself in a funeral setting probably never crosses your mind until you’re just about to go to an actual funeral. It’s something most people would rather not think about until they have to actually go, and since funerals are typically few and far between, most men don’t have very much experience with it. This makes it very hard to learn what’s expected in terms of how to conduct yourself in these situations.

Being a man of respect is never more important than on the occasion of someone’s death. Instead of being a distraction to the grieving, men need to be a source of comfort to the ones left behind. It’s our duty to be supportive and dignified, and I’m here to offer advice on how to conduct yourself in these situations and funerals.

Visiting the Family

If you’re a family member or close friend of the deceased, you should pay a visit to the home to pay your respects, express sympathy, and offer your help in any way during the family’s time of need.

Before the wake, you should also take some food. The family is usually so busy with making arrangements, having visitors in and out, and generally stressed, so cooking is the last thing on their minds. But they still need to eat, so bringing food is of great assistance to them. Some ideas for what food to bring are things like a tray of finger sandwiches, or donuts and pastries for the mornings, or even a fried chicken meal from somewhere like KFC.

During your visits, it’s appropriate to offer your sympathy and share your memories of the deceased. You don’t need to stay long, but by stopping by you’ll show the family you care, and they’ll remember the respect you’ve shown them and the deceased.

The Wake

A wake usually takes place before the actual funeral service and is usually held in the evening. If you can’t make it to the funeral itself, then you should certainly try to make it to the wake. It’s a good opportunity to support the deceased’s family.

When you arrive, first offer your sympathy to the family. This is really the whole point of the wake. It gives the family an opportunity to hear from family and friends when they are prepared to deal with it. They get it over with in one night instead of having people offer their condolences at work, the post office, and places like the grocery store over and over again. Places where they’d rather not have the emotion come rushing back to them.

Unless you are close to the family, be sure to introduce yourself and tell them how you know the deceased. Don’t leave them trying to figure out who you are.

You can then mingle with the other guests in attendance. You don’t have to stay long, but stay long enough to make your presence felt and pay your respects. Be sure to sign the register as well, as the family likes to look over these after the fact and remember everyone who came.

The Funeral

The actual funeral itself is the most important of the events that take place at this time, and there are several parts of it that I want to dive into here.

Should you go?

“Always go to the funeral” is the only motto I suggest you adopt. Going to funerals isn’t fun. People can find them boring, awkward, and inconvenient. But fun is the basis on which boys make decisions. A man does things because they are right and good, and because the needs of others supersede his own comfort.

It’s easy to rationalize that the person is dead and won’t know if you’re there or not. But funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for the living. One of the very few comforts available to the grieving family is to see a full church packed with people who also care for and remember the deceased. The family knows that attending a funeral is inconvenient, and that’s why they’ll never forget you came anyway.

Unless the death notice that appears in the paper says that the funeral is private, then any of the deceased’s friends, co-workers, and family can attend the funeral.

Dress Code

When you think of funerals, the first thing that probably comes to mind is people dressed in all black. While black is still the traditional color for funerals, the standard has loosened up a little over the years to include other dark, conservative clothing. But still, the best way to go is to put on a black suit, white shirt, a conservative tie, and black shoes.

I know there are a lot of guys out there who don’t see the point in dressing up and believe they can do whatever they want. But this is one time you need to suck it up and put on your best clothes. Death is life’s most solemn occasion, and the inability to put aside your own comfort and personal preference to show respect is inexcusable. Don’t be a guy. Be a man.

Being a Pallbearer

For pallbearers, the family will typically choose six men to attend the casket. The invitation to be a pallbearer is a great honor and one you cannot refuse except for a very serious reason.

If you’re chosen to be a pallbearer, you’ll need to be at the funeral about 30 minutes early to receive instructions on what will be expected of you like where to gather, when to come into the church, and which row to sit in.

As we’ve already discussed, you should be well dressed at a funeral anyway, but if you’re asked to be a pallbearer, make an extra effort to look presentable and respectful.

Other Notes on the Funeral

I shouldn’t even have to say this, but please turn off your cell phone during the funeral. And I don’t mean turning it on silent. I mean TURN IT OFF and leave it in your pocket. Don’t have it out during the service texting people, checking notifications, or playing games. The is the very last time this person will ask for your undivided attention, so be respectful and give it to them.

Don’t come in late, and don’t leave early.

If you bring kids with you and they become unruly, take them outside.

Remember there is a progressive seating pattern that determines where you sit: family in the first few rows, close friends behind them, and acquaintances and co-workers farther back.

Funeral Processions

After the funeral, everyone gets in their cars and proceeds as a group to the cemetery, led by the hearse. Turn on your headlights and follow the car in front of you closely.

That’s pretty much it when you’re in the funeral procession, but let’s take a quick timeout for a sidebar. What to do when you meet a funeral procession.

When you come up on a funeral procession, do your absolute best to let them pass and stay together. And pay your respects to that grieving family whether you know them or not. You do this by pulling to the side of the road and stopping while the procession passes. And if you’re in a safe enough place, get out and stand beside your vehicle as they pass. If you do, don’t forget to remove your hat.

Post Funeral Meal

After many funerals, lunch or dinner is served at the home or the church. If you attended the funeral, then it’s ok to attend the meal. It’s a time to be a little more light-hearted than at the wake or the funeral. At the meal, it’s ok to share a laugh as you reminisce about the deceased.

Afterward

After all of the funeral planning is done, the wake has been held, the funeral is over, and the meal has been eaten, the reality of the loss really sets in for the family of the deceased in the days and weeks following. Don’t let your consideration for the family end when the funeral is over.

Stop by or give them a call in the week after to see if they need anything. Invite them out for dinner or some other social gathering. They will likely turn down your request, but eventually, they’ll reach the point where they’re ready to go back out, and they’ll be grateful that you kept them in your thoughts.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I can’t stress enough how important it is to properly show respect at the time of someone’s passing, and these tips I’ve presented will help you do that.