The Dos and Don'ts of Conversation

I think all of us have encountered men who just seem to have a knack for good conversation. They’re the ones you see who are able to talk to anybody about anything in a laid-back style that sets people at ease. Even a stranger can walk away from a conversation with these men feeling like he’s known them for years.

While it may seem like the art of conversation is a skill that God bestowed on a select few while cursing everyone else with awkwardness, let me assure you, it only seems that way. While it’s true some men have a greater natural charisma than others, good conversation is a skill that all men can master. You may never be a silver-tongued devil, but you can learn to converse in ways that make you a great party guest, set you apart at company and work events, impress the ladies, and help you make new friends. All you need to do is learn and follow a few simple rules of conversation.

Here are those rules. Read them. Learn them. Employ them.

Do: Listen more than you talk

Funny enough, the key to a conversation isn’t in the talking, it’s in the listening. Ask the people you’re conversing with interesting and thoughtful questions. People love to talk about themselves (me especially). Don’t just ask what someone does and leave it at that. Ask follow-up questions like what the hardest part of their job is, what they think the future holds with them there, and why they chose that job in the first place. Then you’ve opened the door for more follow-up questions based on those answers. Be genuinely interested and focus on the person you’re talking to, nodding your head and adding in “hmmms” and uh-huhs” when it seems appropriate.

Do: Have interesting topics ready to talk about

As I’ve stated before, a man should always have interesting things to talk about when needed. So be well-read on a variety of topics, not just the daily news. Have some interesting topics stashed away to break out when the need arises. Like tidbits from the history of Spam or the mine fire still burning under Centralia PA that you read about in the last Making Men Digest post.

Do: Tailor the conversation to the listener

You’ve heard the old rule “Don’t talk politics, sex, or religion.” That’s generally good advice, and when in doubt, don’t. But a better rule is to try to tailor your conversation to those who you are talking with. Talking about politics, religion, and sex with a new acquaintance will be awkward, but arguing about politics with the same friends you’ve known for years can be a highlight of your week. Talking about working on your motorcycle at a party will probably bore more than half the room, but not talking about it with your riding buddies would be unthinkable. Bottom line, read the person you’re talking to and try to tailor the conversation to them.

Do: Take your turn

Conversations are a group project, not a lecture by one person. Each person in the conversation weaves in tidbits here and there. If you notice that you’ve talked for a few minutes without any questions, comments, or signs of life from other people, then it’s time to shut up and let the next person talk.

Do: Think before you speak

Most of the time when people put their foot in their mouth, it’s because they didn’t think before speaking. These people find themselves ranting about things that could be offending the person they’re talking to without thinking about it. Things such as ranting about how much better a Ford is than a Chevy and anyone buying a Chevy is an idiot, without remembering the person they’re talking to just bought a Chevy. Just think before you speak…it will save you from embarrassment.

There are the Dos, now let’s look at the Don’ts

Don't: Interrupt

Interrupting the speaker in mid-sentence is easy to avoid. Just wait until the other person is finished talking before you start. Don’t cut in with phrases like “That reminds me” or “By the way”. Cutting in with phrases like those signals that you’re not valuing what they are saying, and conveys that you feel like what you have to say is more important than what they were trying to get across. Don’t be that guy. (This is the rule I need to personally work on the most)

Don't: Talk to only one person when in a group

Only talking to one person in a group setting leaves others feeling awkward and left out. And this doesn’t only apply to physically conversing with one individual, you can also alienate people by talking about subjects which they have no knowledge of or interest in. An example of this would be talking about the ins and outs of your job that only your co-worker understands, inside jokes, and “remember when” stories that not everyone in the group is aware of. Whenever possible, bring up subjects that the whole group can chime in on.

Don't: Engage in one-upping

Not only does being a “one-upper” make for a lousy friend or co-worker, but he also makes for an annoying conversationalist. Maybe you’re talking about playing some football in your backyard with friends, the one-upper raises the stakes by chiming in about how he plays down at the park every Sunday with some former college all-stars. It’s a bad look. Instead of being a one-upper, try to flow naturally from the original point to your own point. That same man tells the story of playing football in his backyard with friends. Instead of busting in with a one-upper story, wait until he is finished, and then offer him to come play with you and your friends sometime. Great conversation will lead to questions where you can then give a few details about your game. Others will be much more impressed with your story when related this way than by you busting in to one-up another part of the conversation.

Don't: Overshare

Every one of us has met those people who pour their whole life out to you within minutes of meeting you. Within just a few minutes you know why his girlfriend dumped him, how worried he is about losing his hair, and how he’s being held back at work. The immediate unloading reaks of desperation and turns people off fast. Don’t do that. Leave a little mystery about yourself. Others will find you intriguing. At the end of the day, people want to learn and discover more about you, not hear more about you.

Don’t: Correct other’s grammar

Even though grammatical mistakes may get on your last nerve, restrain the urge to correct others when they are speaking in conversation. A conversation is not the time or place to correct people. You will come off as a smug a-hole, and ruin any chance you had at building a new relationship. Don’t miss the forest for the trees in these situations.

And speaking of grammar, don’t use words and phrases you don’t need to. Leave out things like “After you” and “Allow me”. Nobodies buying it. Just be yourself. Be a man.

Don't: Let yourself get distracted

This is the big one…the one I see everyone get wrong time and time again. You find yourself in a conversation with someone and it’s going well. Then that person gets a notification on their phone and they whip it out and read through that while you’re still talking. Or you’re in a conversation, and another conversation is taking place between another group a short distance away, and your listener is now also trying to hear what is being said over there.

When you’re in a conversation with someone, try to give them your undivided attention until the conversation is over. Ignore other conversations around you. Leave the phone in your pocket. If someone comes up and interrupts, kindly ask them to give you a minute to finish your conversation. Doing these little things will earn you many points with the person you’re engaged in conversation with. Especially if it’s a lady. Never miss an opportunity to show them you think way more of them than anything else going on at the moment.

There you have a few simple Dos and Don’ts when in conversation. These are not hard rules to learn and use, but you’ll find the rewards are great. Don’t be the guy that ignores these rules. Be the man that sets the example.

- Mick

For you men out there reading this, what other advice do you have to offer the next gen of men when it comes to conversation?